


The Friend You Need

by PayItForwardYo



Series: Struggle [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, marital rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-10
Updated: 2014-05-13
Packaged: 2018-01-24 05:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1593809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PayItForwardYo/pseuds/PayItForwardYo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After all that she's done, Regina can't seem to accept that she could deserve a second chance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: Same warning as always... I am not a writer. But I'm trying for the same reason as always - I'm fascinated by Regina. I have to get some of these thoughts out of my head. Filed under SwannQueen because I don’t think I could write a male character to save my life. No sexytimes.
> 
> The story is complete but I'm not posting the whole thing at once... I'm a tweaker (no, not that kind) and I'm not quite ready to let the next bits into the wild. I'm posting this bit to force myself to STOP making nit-picky changes.
> 
> Warning: At some point, there is talk of non-consensual sex and abuse. It's not graphic but it's there because Regina's life has basically sucked balls. Please give this a pass if that bothers you.

Regina stepped out into the cool Maine air with relief. The door to the Town Hall swung slightly ajar behind her but she didn’t care; everyone else had gone. She tilted her head towards the sun and let the breeze blow her hair back, just soaking in the quiet and trying to let it settle her nerves. She stood there for quite a while, pretending like her shoulders weren’t in knots and her head wasn’t pounding. Pretending that she didn’t want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a thousand years. Because above all else, Regina was exhausted. 

It was a futile attempt though and finally she just sighed and turned to pull the door closed behind her. The tension in her shoulders made her wince at the movement, and she ground her teeth in frustration. She was a grown woman, dammit! A Queen. She’d felled monsters and dragons and witches. How could something as mundane as a budget meeting cause her such stress?

It was a rhetorical question, really. This was her life now. With the Evil Queen behind her, conflict was her enemy. That persona had been the only thing that protected her bruised heart from the pain that conflict caused it. She had no defense now - no way to protect herself. Just as she had when she was younger, she absorbed it all and held herself together as best she could until she could be alone. When she was then she would cry or sometimes drink, or maybe just lose herself in a mindless movie. Anything to quiet her mind so she could rest. Sleep was elusive but sometimes she could rest. 

But those were individual conflicts. Today had been bigger. A building full of townspeople arguing with her for hours about money. And who should get it. And why. And how much. And there was no way to make everybody happy. There didn’t seem to be a way to make anybody happy. 

She’d grown to hate money.

Thoughts of the meeting caused her breath to hitch and she consciously slowed it again, as she had numerous times that day. This was ridiculous! She had to get herself under control.

An experimental tug at the door confirmed that it was locked up tight so Regina started to her car. She tried to walk briskly but the tension she carried with her hampered her movements and the cool air that had comforted her minutes before chilled her quickly. Finally, thankfully, she slid behind the wheel and pulled the door closed behind her, wanting nothing more than the comfort of being alone in her own space. But the effect was less than desired.

She thought about calling Henry, just to talk with him for a minute. Even just hearing his voice was a comfort and she had the number half dialed before she remembered herself and hit the end button. She shook her head at her own neediness and slipped the phone back into her pocket. He was fishing with his grandfather; It was to be a real man’s weekend, according to David. She couldn’t imagine that a call from his mom would fit in.

Tonight was definitely a whiskey night.

But right now she had to go back to work and somehow figure out how to keep all of the promises she’d just made. Defeated by the thought, she put the car in gear and drove slowly towards the lot exit, knowing that her snail’s pace was a stalling tactic. A left out of the parking lot took her home and a right took her back to work and she was going to have to choose. There was so much to do after today’s debacle that there was just no way she could justify playing hookey. But even though she was pretty sure she had just decided to go back to work, she found herself taking the left hand turn towards home.  
\-------------------------------------------------------

The drive was a blur of familiar scenery and she remembered none of it when she pulled into her driveway. At some point she had stopped feeling guilty about her decision and could think of nothing other than crossing the threshold and closing out the world behind her door. 

But there were obstacles to overcome. She had a white knuckled death grip on the wheel and had to work at loosening her fingers before she could do anything. Her muscles had been strung tightly for hours and getting herself out of the low sporty car was another painful and slow task. Then, when she reached her front door her hands were trembling so badly she couldn’t get the key in the lock. When it finally slid past the tumblers she almost whimpered with relief.

And then, just like that, she was in her foyer; she was home. The relief was overwhelming and her legs turned to jelly beneath her but Regina didn’t really care. She just leaned back against the front door, effectively closing it, and slid silently down against it to the cold tile floor. Her knees pushed up against her chest, making a perfect resting place for her head, which she let sink down until she was resting her forehead on her knees. She breathed.

“Hey Regina, is that you?”

It was clearly Emma’s voice and it was clearly coming towards her from the kitchen, but Regina didn’t grasp any of that as quickly as she would have usually. The adrenaline seeping out of her system had left her foggy and slightly slow witted. Was she hallucinating the Savior in her kitchen? Surely that was a cause for concern.

“I thought I heard a… Regina? Jesus, what's wrong?”

It was the worry in Emma’s voice that got through to her. That tone of voice will always get your attention, even if you think you’re hallucinating. But when she looked up Emma was right there, standing in her foyer with brows knit in confusion and worry. Flesh and blood - not a figment.

“Emma?” Regina heard the weakness in her voice and scowled at herself internally. Unacceptable. “What are you doing here?”

Her voice sounded like her own again, and that was something. Of course, she was still huddled against her front door in a pile on her foyer floor. So there were still some shortcomings to address.

“I forgot my files and I came over to… why are you on the floor? Are you ok? Are you hurt?” Emma took a hesitant step towards her, a hand slightly extended then stopped uncertainly. “Sick?”

“No. I’m not hurt. I’ll be fine.”

Emma appeared unconvinced and considered her critically, her brows furrowed as she considered the odd situation. Then she sauntered over and slid down the door next to her, just as Regina had moments before. Regina had been thinking about bounding to her feet just to show Emma how fine she was, but this move put an end to those ridiculous thoughts abruptly.

It would be foolish to think that a coincidence; Emma had a disturbing ability to read her like an open book.

With limited options Regina just dropped her head back to her knees and sighed. “I’ll be fine dear. Just give me a moment.” She assumed that Emma would let her take her moment in solitude but that wasn’t really Emma’s style. Instead she just rested her hand on Regina’s shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze, then began to rub gently across her back.

“Sure thing. We’ve got plenty of time.” Her voice was calm, like she was talking to a skittish horse. But even as she spoke her hand faltered in it’s ministrations. Clearly Emma had noticed the unusual amount of tension she was carrying in her back and shoulders. But it picked up again in short order and Regina found it to be, quite to her amazement, soothing.

As they sat together on the floor it didn’t take that long for Regina to feel the tension start to lose it’s grip on her body. She shifted her shoulders experimentally and was relieved to find that some of the discomfort was already gone. Her whiskey plan would have taken hours but just sitting with Emma had helped her in a fraction of the time.

Regina could have wept with the relief of it.

But she didn’t. She just let the tension drain from her neck and shoulders with something akin to pleasure. But she couldn’t spend the rest of her evening sitting in her foyer and eventually - regretfully - she lifted her head and rested it back against the door. Emma was forced to draw back her hand and Regina felt the loss immediately. Regina shifted her head slightly to the left and made eye contact with the blonde; she could see the concern there and she wasn’t surprised. Regina’s ‘moment’ had take quite a while.

“Thank you Emma. I’m feeling much better now. I… appreciate you staying with me.” The words were inadequate, but their eyes were locked together now, and Regina knew that the depth of her gratitude was showing in hers; she could see it reflected back at her in Emma’s startled expression. Emma was well aware that this was more of herself than Regina usually divulged.

The silent communication lasted for longer than Regina was comfortable and she dropped her eyes. It had been a curiously intimate moment and suddenly the blonde seemed very close. Regina longed for her personal space back and shifted to her right. It was clear she was thinking about trying to finally get off the floor but her stiffened joints made her movements awkward and ineffective. Her normal grace had deserted her.

The movement pulled Emma’s attention and she pushed herself up easily. She brushed some imaginary dust from her jeans and then held out her hands to Regina. “Here. Let me help.”

This was not the type of offer that Regina usually accepted but she regarded the hand thoughtfully. Her desperate desire to accept was startling. She placed her cool hands into Emma’s warm ones and Emma pulled her gently up so that they were facing each other. This close Regina noticed immediately that Emma’s worried look had returned. Maybe it had never really left.

“Emma,” Regina soothed. “Everything’s fine. I’m sorry I worried you… clearly I thought I was alone.” 

Emma looked unconvinced and suddenly Regina was on the receiving end of a thorough visual inspection. She resisted the urge to fidget and instead placed a hand on Emma’s arm, diverting her attention. “Emma…”

“Regina, you aren’t ok. I can practically see through you. You must be losing weight. I could have picked you up up off the ground if I’d tried!” There was no recrimination in her voice, and Regina was listening for it; she was always listening for it. All she caught was a hint of slightly hysterical worry. “Are you sleeping? You can’t be eating. Do you need to go to a doctor?”

Emma petered to a halt and took a breath. It appeared she’d run out of steam and her next statement was softer. “Everything’s not fine.”

It was hard to formulate an argument as Emma had the facts of the matter firmly on her side. And, of course, she was right. But this was starting to take on a life of it’s own and Regina certainly had no intention of involving any more people in her personal matters by going to a doctor. But as she looked at Emma, her concern was palpable. She could feel it coming off of her in waves. She owed her… something. Something to relieve her worry. Regina could tell she was in full Savior mode but it simply was not Emma’s job to save her. This was Regina’s cross to bear. 

So she took a step back to gain the distance she’d been seeking to gather her composure then offered Emma a tentative smile which was meant to be reassuring. “You’re right, of course. I’ve been taking poor care of myself lately. It appears to have caught up to me today.”

Emma softened but didn’t let it go as Regina hoped she would. “Regina, I know you’re not taking care of yourself. What I don’t know is why.”

Regina opened her mouth slightly and then closed it again, trying to speak. She’d already opened up well past her comfort zone and she found that she simply couldn’t continue. She wanted to tell Emma about her day, and all the days before it, and how every disagreement she had with anybody caused her pain like a physical blow. How, at the end of the day she felt like she’d been in a boxing match, not running a fictional town. And she simply couldn’t muster the will or energy to take proper care of herself when she finally made it home. She wanted to tell her all of that. And how she feared that it would always be this way and how she knew she wasn’t strong enough to bear it forever. How she feared that she would turn back to evil to protect herself.

But she simply couldn’t form the words. 

Regina had nothing left to dissuade the blonde except the truth that she couldn’t utter and her shoulders slumped in defeat. Despite her resolve, a tear slipped free to travel down her cheek and land on her blouse. Another one followed.

She heard Emma suck in a breath and suddenly she was engulfed in a tangle of arms. She stiffened slightly but it was an automatic reaction only and she felt herself relaxing into the embrace almost immediately after. Emma was warm and she felt the chill that she had picked up back at the Town Hall start to dissipate. She relaxed even more and let Emma’s shirt soak up her few remaining tears. 

She let her head rest against Emma’s shoulder for much longer than was proper and breathed her first easy breath in months. She wasn't sure when it happened but at some point a weight had settled on her chest and every breath took effort. For weeks and months the stress of existing, the pain of just being, caused her every breath to be an energy sapping struggle. But now, in Emma's comforting embrace, her breaths came more easily and she allowed herself to remember what it felt like. 

Regina savored one last deep breath before gently untangling herself from the embrace that she never should have allowed in the first place. She met Emma’s eyes, even though her embarrassment made her feel awkward now. Emma just offered her an understanding, though hesitant, smile. 

Still, Regina felt exposed, and she wrapped her arms around her middle. She had let Emma take care of her after all, if only just a little, but what now? She couldn’t allow it to continue. An Evil Queen did not deserve a Savior and the Savior deserved much better than an Evil Queen. She should encourage her to get her long forgotten files and go.

Seemingly oblivious to Regina’s internal struggle, Emma was clearly thinking deep thoughts. This made her next statement rather unexpected. “We should get dinner.”

The suddenness of Emma’s proposal derailed Regina’s self-critical thoughts and she crinkled her eyes in confusion. “Us? Now?”

Emma smiled at her encouragingly. She was clearly warming to her idea very quickly. “Of course now. Granny’s is open and she always has something delicious. And I’m starving.” Emma paused and her bright smile faltered. “Regina please. You haven’t been eating. Anybody can see that.” 

The thought of going back out into that group of people was unfathomable and Regina paled noticeably at the thought of it. She could feel the blood drain from her face and Emma’s expression confirmed what she couldn’t see. Emma reached out a hand and grasped her arm, in case she ended up in a heap on the floor again. For all Emma knew, this is how it happened the first time.

“Regina,” The grip on her arm tightened. “Please tell me what’s going on. And for God’s sake, breathe! You’re tearing yourself up and I know I can help you.” There was pleading in her eyes to match her tone and Regina swallowed hard. Emma was so earnest and her expression lacked any hint of judgement. “Please.” she repeated softly.

“I…” Regina had to swallow again past the lump in her throat. “I don’t know if I can. Everyone will be there.”

“Well, sure," Emma shrugged in her characteristic manner. "Probably. It’s finally Friday and that budget meeting was today so nobody’s gone back...”

Regina actually heard the click of the pieces falling into place for Emma. She didn’t really have the whole picture with what little she knew but she had a better picture than a couple of minutes ago. “Did something happen at the meeting?”

Regina wrapped her arms more securely around her middle but shook her head no. And she wasn’t lying. Nothing HAD happened at the budget meeting. Of course people had argued with her about money. That was the whole point of having the meetings in the first place. All of this drama came from her own inadequacies. “It’s just… those meetings are hard.” 

She felt like such a failure; she was clearly broken. Why was she sharing this with Emma? Her internal voice screamed at her to stop, but she just kept going. “The conflict is hard.” 

Emma still had her hand on Regina’s arm and she gave it a reassuring squeeze. Her eyes didn’t hold the pity that Regina feared, but they were impossibly sympathetic. “I know it is. I’ve seen you flinch every time a voice gets raised.” 

That was an unwelcome revelation to Regina and she felt something cold grow inside her. She thought that, until today, she had managed to keep her struggles and failures to herself. That she hadn’t certainly explained why she was having such a hard time deflecting Emma’s desire to help. 

If Emma noticed the sudden stillness her comment caused she didn’t let on. She just forged ahead. “But it’s just dinner. And I’m going to be there with you.” The blonde wanted her to say yes. Everything about her screamed it. “You can do this. We can do this.”

Truly, Regina couldn’t fathom that the simple act of having Emma by her side could help her through the ordeal that would be dinner at Granny’s and she had spent this entire conversation trying to avoid the formulation of a "we". But there was a part of her she just couldn’t deny that had to know if being with Emma really could help her. She had to know if there was a balm for her bruised heart that didn’t involve hatred and revenge and the Evil Queen.

Even if she didn’t deserve it, all she ever wanted was to be Just Regina and not be alone. It made Emma impossible to resist.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After all that she’s done, Regina can’t seem to accept that she could deserve a second chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Same warning as always… I am not a writer. But I’m trying for the same reason as always - I’m fascinated by Regina. I have to get some of these thoughts out of my head. Filed under SwannQueen because I don’t think I could write a male character to save my life. No sexytimes.
> 
> The story is complete but I’m not posting the whole thing at once… I’m a tweaker (no, not that kind) and I’m not quite ready to let the next bits into the wild. I’m posting this bit to force myself to STOP making nit-picky changes.
> 
> Warning: At some point, there is talk of non-consensual sex and abuse. It’s not graphic but it’s there because Regina’s life has basically sucked balls. Please give this a pass if that bothers you.

Emma’s day had certainly taken a turn. What had started as a little B&E into the mayoral mansion to grab some forgotten files, and maybe an illicit sandwich, had turned into something much more complicated. But not, if she was honest with herself, unexpected.

She had noticed off and on lately that something wasn’t quite right with Regina. She was pleasant, which was still new but no longer startling. She was generous with her time and resources and had helped almost everyone with something - magical and not - in the months since they had returned to Storybrooke. This too was new, but also no longer unexpected. Her humor was still biting but there hadn't been a single murderous range in forever. In fact, it was completely the opposite. The only time you ever saw her truly worked up like the Regina of old was when she was defending someone. To hear Snow tell it, the Regina that had protected her from the spectral Cora was an absolute force of nature. And Emma believed it because Regina had taken almost all of the hits that Zelena had dished out, whether she was the intended target or not, without a single complaint. Seeing this person, this protector, that had been beaten down inside of Regina all this time was indeed humbling, but it wasn’t what made her spidey sense tingle when she was in the Mayor’s presence. 

It was a new hesitance that showed up at the most unexpected times. Not when she was holding off a vengeful spirit or even saving the town from a wicked witch. It showed up during the little moments that make up a Mayor’s day like having to tell someone they couldn’t have their street re-paved or their parking spot moved. Any hint of impending conflict and Regina tensed, as if waiting for a blow. The Regina from before had never shied from any sort of conflict and to see her do so now was startling in the extreme.

Also startling was to walk out into the foyer of Regina’s house in the middle of the afternoon to find her propped up against the door on the floor with her head resting on her knees. That had certainly kicked her heartrate up a notch and the fact that there were no injuries apparent on the Mayor somehow made it worse. The hesitancy that she had almost convinced herself she’d been imagining was the only part of Regina showing and her attempts at false bravado, normally her speciality, had drown under it. Regina was left as exposed as Emma had ever seen her.

Clearly Regina needed help but first she needed a meal. Emma wasn’t sure how long it had been since Regina had gotten in her three squares but she would hazard quite some time; that’s why they were pulling into the lot in front of Granny’s right now. Emma only needed a quick glance at Regina to see that she was dreading this entire plan. Honestly, Emma considered it a miracle that she had agreed to it at all. 

As they walked towards the diner door she watched Regina transform before her eyes and even knowing what she knew now, Emma could hardly pick up any signs that something was amiss. It was truly a masterful trick and Emma realized suddenly that if she hadn’t stumbled upon Regina with her guard so completely down, she wouldn’t have learned of her struggles until it was too late to help.

The thought was sobering and she wished, not for the first time, that being the Savior came with a handbook or something.

By the time they entered the diner, the transformation was complete. If pressed, Emma would admit that Regina was a little more tense than usual but her constant regal bearing made that a hard sell. Emma had even more opportunity to observe as she was forced to trail closely behind her companion in the unusually crowded diner. She watched Regina greet Granny warmly and smile politely to the townsfolks that braved a glance her way. Just like the new normal.

But when they made it to their booth and took their seats Regina sighed heavily, perhaps unknowingly, and it was the sound of utter exhaustion. Emma felt tired just hearing it. Clearly the act of putting on a brave face was a trying process. The fact that she was still doing it, even though it was really just the two of them now sequestered in their corner booth, struck Emma as completely unacceptable.

So she picked up a stream of meaningless banter that broke only when they placed their order and then when their food arrive sometime later. She kept an eagle eye on Regina the entire time and watched her shoulders drop slowly. Her hands had started the conversation grasped tightly in front of her but they too relaxed. Finally the tension in her face started to lessen as well. And she actually made a dent in the sandwich Emma had forced her to order. By the time they were finishing up Emma was starting to feel almost pleased with her progress.

Then the ruckus began and Emma could have screamed in her frustration. What started as a slightly raised voice towards Emma’s right quickly escalated to angry shouting. To say that Regina flinched would be an understatement. Emma had seen the reaction a thousand times in a thousand fosters homes and she swallowed thickly against the bile that rose in her throat. It’s meaning was clear, knowing Cora as she did. 

As sheriff, she was going to have to deal with the growing conflict, but she couldn’t stand the thought of leaving Regina alone; she had promised they would do this together. She reached out her hand and met Regina’s eye apologetically, thinking she had just enough time to offer a hasty apology before all hell broke lose. But instead her hand was quickly covered by the older woman as she rose from the booth. She was now wearing steely resolve like an armor.

“It’s ok. I know why they’re fighting. I can take care of it.” It was clear from her tone that Regina was resigned to her task.

Before Emma could even think about formulating a reply, Regina was walking towards Leroy and his sparring partner. Emma could do little other than scamper after her and look authoritative as Regina placed a hand calmly on Leroy’s shoulder. He was fully committed to his anger and spun towards the interruption violently. Regina didn’t seem to bat an eye and Leroy went from angry to sheepish in a split second. None the less, Emma took another step closer and ghosted a hand across her back so that she would know she didn’t stand alone. If she found a budget meeting hard, surely she would require some moral support to get through this confrontational encounter.

“Madam Mayor.” Leroy began to ring his hands nervously in front of him, an odd mannerism for the usually self-assured miner. The town and Regina were at an odd point in their relationship where people were starting to expect the best from her but still worried about the worst. And Leroy was a suspicious fellow at heart. He was clearly expecting repercussions.

Regina smiled at him, almost indulgently, then tipped her head towards the other party. It was a small gesture, but from a strong woman it carried a great weight. Emma couldn’t even recall his name but it was clear that Regina knew who he was, and he her. “Didn’t we settle this earlier gentlemen?”

They each mumbled a response that seemed nothing short of contrite. Leroy had more to say though, and Emma watched on as Regina let him vent. “He just makes me so mad, I want to hit something.” He pounded his fist into his open palm for emphasis and Emma thought she saw a ripple of reaction run through the Mayor, but nothing more. “I can’t even have a conversation with the guy. We’ll never get this thing settled.”

“Of course we will.” Regina’s voice was calm, but firm. It was clear she would entertain no disagreement on the matter. What’s more, she seemed completely calm and totally at ease. She was also clearly totally in charge. “I told you today that we would figure it out and we will. I have some thoughts on the matter already that we can discuss next week. Until then, I need you two not to demolish Granny’s. Henry would be devastated.”

The fact that Emma had zero clue about what they were discussing was immaterial. She could tell that the danger of escalation had passed. The two men were starting to look embarrassed and it was quite possible that they were only just realizing the scene they just made.

Silly miners.

“Now, can we all return to our meals?” Two more head shakes and it was officially over. Emma wasn’t immune to the authority in Regina’s voice and she started to return to her seat as well, wondering if she was losing her mind. Had she imagined this afternoon entirely? She craftily let her companion get in front of her so she could study her without threat of being caught and hopefully determine if she was truly as calm as she appeared.

Without the need to hide her scrutiny she was able to pick up the subtle signs of distress that Regina couldn’t hide, no matter how good an actor she was. She could see her heartbeat fluttering wildly at the pulsepoint on Regina’s neck and her breathing was concerningly shallow. Not good.

As they squeezed back into the booth, Emma managed to catch Regina’s eye. “You ok?” 

Emma watched as Regina gave the matter quite a bit of thought. Her gazed drifted away from Emma’s as she analyzed the situation but it returned after her contemplation. “That was not as difficult as it usually is. Thank you for coming with me.”

It wasn’t really an answer but it seemed to Emma like it should be a good thing. However, she could tell from Regina’s expression that the Mayor did not. Shit. Did she look worse than when they left her house? Emma thought about covering her hands with her own but decided against it. Regina was looking particularly skittish at the moment.

Instead, Emma went for nonchalant and leaned her elbows casually against the table. “It’s no biggie. I just want to help.” 

She actually got a smile out of Regina with that, but it was more wistful than anything else. “I know that dear, but you are not my Savior nor should I encourage you to become so.”

Emma blew out a breath in frustration. This conversation made no sense to her no matter how hard she tried to follow along. Why wouldn’t this stubborn woman let her help? Every time she thought they were making progress it was the exact opposite. “Regina, I don’t understand. I’m trying, I swear I am, but I can’t keep up.”

For most of the meal Regina had been shy about making eye contact; her gaze would skitter past Emma’s but never really land there. Suddenly, though, she fixed her gaze on Emma and it was so intense that it was almost tangible. Emma had to fight the instinct to look away. 

The hesitant Regina had disappeared for a moment and her next words were delivered with a conviction that Emma thought was lost to the Mayor. “I know I’m not making much sense but it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you remember this moment… someday... when you’re looking back and wondering if you could have done something differently. If that ever happens I need you to think of this day, right now, and know how very much it means to me that you stood with me just now. For no other reason than you knew I needed you to. And that it was one of the kindest acts I’ve ever experienced.”

Regina’s monologue finished abruptly and the two women were left staring at each other; neither woman could break the connection. In fact, if Granny hadn’t come by with offers of desert they may never have left. But she did and the interruption broke Regina free from Emma’s gaze. She pulled back sharply and sucked in a quick breath and Emma knew right away that Regina regretted her outburst. With a quick apology and something about needing fresh air, she quickly exited the diner.

Emma watched her go and knew, with one hundred percent certainty that despite her objections, Regina Mills absolutely needed the Savior.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Regina dropped heavily onto the bench outside Granny’s and lowered her head into her hands. She groaned out loud at her own stupidity. How had she fucked this up so completely? The answer was simple but admitting it to herself was hard. Even though it was a ridiculous notion she had hoped that somehow she and Emma could end up being friends and that maybe she wouldn’t be so damn lonely all the time. 

Regina shook her cradled head back and forth a few times, amazed that she could be so foolish - so selfish. Of course there was no way that the Savior could be friends with the former Evil Queen; Regina had done nothing to deserve such a kindness. 

Unfortunately, after her little monologue in there Emma was even less likely to give up on her and no matter how much her actions continued to contradict her, Regina did not want Emma feeling responsible for her. She never wanted that for Emma. Keeping the Evil Queen buried was her price to pay.

Regina wasn’t even certain why she had said those things in Granny’s. But at that moment, seeing Emma so confused, Regina saw the girl’s future - what it would be like for her if Regina failed and ultimately succumbed to the protection the the Evil Queen offered her. She saw how confusion and guilt would war within her while she wondered what she could have done differently to save Regina from herself. And she had just wanted to give Emma something to hold onto later, so that she wouldn’t blame herself. So that she could be strong for all of the people in Storybrooke that Regina had ultimately failed. Like their son.

Instead she had fucked it all up.

Behind her she heard the bells of Granny’s door chime and figured that Emma had finally made her way outside. The footsteps stopped behind her and after a second she heard Emma clear her throat, confirming her guess. “You know you left me with the bill in there, right?”

Regina barked out a laugh, so unexpected was Emma’s comment, and she removed her head from her hands to leaned back against the bench. Emma was standing to her far right and Regina could just make her out in her peripheral vision. Her arms were full and Regina twisted to get a better look, absently smoothing her disheveled hair behind her ear. The extra effort was unnecessary because Emma was already swinging around the end of the bench to sit down next to her.

As always, the blonde exuded a comforting warmth and Regina felt a shiver run through her unexpectedly. As the afternoon had moved on the temperature had dropped; with the sun behind the clouds it was downright cold. Emma noticed, of course, and produced the coat that Regina had abandoned in her haste to retreat. “Here,” she said quietly. “You need this.”

There wasn’t much call for pretense between them anymore and now that Regina was aware of the cold weather, she realized that she was quite freezing. She took her coat gratefully and swung it around her shoulders. She wasn’t ready to get up yet.

Regina nodded towards Emma’s other item, a rather full plastic bag. Emma followed her gaze and shrugged in that uniquely Emma manner. “I picked us up some dinner.”

Regina began to protest but Emma didn’t even let her get started. “We need to talk. Tonight. And you need to eat. So that’s what we’re going to do. We just need to swing by my room so I can grab some things.” The implication that Emma was planning to stay with her was clear.

“Emma,” the blonde continued to look at her and she realized she had no idea what she wanted to say. She settled for the point she’d desperately been trying to make since Emma found her in the foyer. “That’s not necessary. I’m not your responsibility. That’s what I was trying to tell you earlier, even though I mishandled it spectacularly.” 

Regina’s hands were laying casually in her lap and Emma reached for one now and held it tightly in her own. The sincerity in her gaze was gripping. “Regina, I can’t leave you alone tonight. I have no idea what’s going on with you but I’m worried. Henry always makes me promise that I’ll watch out for you and I always say I will but I’ve never known what the hell he was talking about. You defeat witches and break curses set by wicked little magical boys and get thrown through clock towers and you’re always just fine. But I still keep promising him, even though I feel like a giant fucking ass. But today… well, today I understood.”

Like each conversation before it, this one was spinning out of Regina’s control. She tried to right the ship but even as she spoke, she knew it was a waste of time. “I know you’re worried dear, but I assure you that nothing is going to befall me tonight.” 

Emma didn’t even blink. It was clear her mind was made up. “I won’t leave you alone. Please don’t ask me to.”

Regina looked at Emma and saw clearly that this was causing her pain and that was not what she wanted. But every time she tried to distance herself from Emma everything just went to hell. Maybe tonight, once and for all, she could come up with the words to fix this. So, she agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same as always - Feel free to share your thoughts if you’re so inclined but please recall that I am the furthest thing from a writer there is. This is probably the best I can do.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After all that she’s done, Regina can’t seem to accept that she could deserve a second chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Same warning as always… I am not a writer. But I’m trying for the same reason as always - I’m fascinated by Regina. I have to get some of these thoughts out of my head. Filed under SwannQueen because I don’t think I could write a male character to save my life. No sexytimes.
> 
> The story is complete but I’m not posting the whole thing at once… I’m a tweaker (no, not that kind) and I’m not quite ready to let the next bits into the wild. I’m posting this bit to force myself to STOP making nit-picky changes.
> 
> Warning: At some point, there is talk of non-consensual sex and abuse. It’s not graphic but it’s there because Regina’s life has basically sucked balls. Please give this a pass if that bothers you.

Both women were lost in their own thoughts and that made the drive about town a quiet one. Regina barely even noticed when Emma hopped out in front of her building to get her things and then, quite without her permission, her eyes dropped closed while she was waiting. The next thing she knew, they were outside of her house again and Emma was gently shaking her awake.

Regina blinked in confusion and then blew out an irritated breath. “You have got to be kidding me.”

Emma seemed unphased by the clear breach of etiquette and even smiled slightly. Her voice was impossibly kind. “It’s ok. You need the rest.”

Regina rolled her eyes at that. “That may be true dear, but I will come up with a plan to get it that doesn’t involve you driving me around Storybrooke like a newborn.” Regina practically grumbled out the words in annoyance with herself, but something about them completely tickled Emma and she giggled the entire time they gathered their things from Regina’s car. Regina was surprised to feel a lightness in her heart because of it that was quickly replacing the irritation she felt at falling asleep in the car like a child. By the time they’d entered the house Regina could even feel a smile tugging at her own lips. Emma’s laughter was contagious.

Emma dropped her bag by the steps then headed into the kitchen to deposit the remaining bags that held dinner. For lack of a better plan Regina trailed behind. She noticed the files on the counter just as Emma was picking them up. “I was starting to think you’d made up that whole story.” Regina quirked her eyebrow so Emma knew she was joking. 

Emma gave her a slightly withering look but Regina couldn’t help but notice that it was a watered down version of their normal banter; Emma was treating her very carefully. Regina thought vaguely that she should feel insulted but she just couldn’t muster it. Instead she felt cared for, which was so foreign to her that she couldn’t be completely sure she wasn’t mistaking it for something else. It was the same feeling she’d had when she felt Emma’s hand briefly against her back while they were handling Leroy’s temper tantrum. It had confused her then as well.

If Emma thought their interactions were unusual she wasn’t making a show of it; she just continued on like it was any other day. “Ok, I’ve got a couple of hours of work that I have to finish up on these files and it isn’t quite dinner time yet… Do you mind if I use your coffee table for a bit?”

Regina blinked once in surprise but then covered it up smoothly enough. “Of course not.” She motioned Emma towards the table in question, even as she was trying to figure out if the blonde really intended to hunker down in her living room and pound out a couple of hours of paperwork. 

Apparently she did. She just wandered over to the table and began to spread out her things like it was her home office. Completely at a loss, Regina cast about for something to do. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting from this night, but so far this wasn’t it. It was more like a quiet evening at home than an intervention. Were they having a slumber party?

With a slight shrug of her shoulders that Emma couldn’t see, Regina wandered over to the bookcase and picked a random novel. Then she seated herself in her favorite chair and pulled over the ottoman so she could stretch out her legs comfortably. There was a soft blanket covering the back of the chair and she used that to cover her legs and torso and then settled in to take advantage of a rare opportunity to enjoy a good book while Emma finished up the lost paperwork that had been the catalyst of this entire bizarre evening.  
\-----------------------------

Emma glanced casually in Regina’s direction and saw that she had finally drifted off to sleep. Her book was laying open against her chest and her head rested gently against the back of the reading chair. Emma sighed silently and leaned back against the sofa, the paperwork that she’d been pretending to work on for the past half hour immediately forgotten. 

It was clear that Regina needed sleep almost as much as she need a meal. Emma had left her alone in the car for barely five minutes and when she’d returned the Mayor had been sleeping soundly. When they’d gotten back to the mansion it had even been difficult to wake her, she was out so completely. So, with the help of a small fib, Emma made sure to set up the most boring environment possible so that Regina would have another opportunity to get some rest before dinner.

Of course, that now put Emma in the most boring environment possible. She didn’t want to move or make a sound or do anything that would risk waking Regina so she just watched her sleep. She did so for quite sometime and eventually her eyelids grew heavy as well. Though she firmly commanded herself not to drift off the next thing she knew she was blinking herself awake and it was clearly much later.

She scrubbed her eyes and wondered what had woken her up. It certainly wasn’t discomfort; Regina’s top of the line sofa was amazingly comfortable in almost any position. But still, she hadn’t wandered into wakefulness naturally. Something had interrupted her slumber. She glanced in Regina’s direction to check on her but it was hard even to see her companion in the darkened room. There was hardly any light coming in through the windows and Emma wondered idly if there was a storm blowing in.

Then a sound came from Regina’s direction and Emma knew instantly that all was not right. She pushed herself up quickly and flicked on the closest lamp. Emma felt her heart clench as the dim bulb illuminated the sleeping woman. She was crying freely as she slept and her head shook back and forth weakly. Her hands were clenched tightly, painfully, at her sides. Whatever her mind was conjuring, it was clearly awful.

Emma knelt over the chair and gave Regina a gentle shake. She didn’t want to startle the woman so she kept her touch light but she didn’t seem to make even the slightest impression. Regina just twisted away and called out softly. It sounded like “Please, stop,” and Emma didn’t even want to contemplate what that meant. She gave Regina a harder shake even as she worried about taking an inadvertent fireball to the head, but all she managed was to cause Regina to cry out it pain. Emma knew she hadn’t done anything that could have hurt her but she still pulled her hands back as if she’d been burned. This wasn’t working.

Emma stared dumbly down at the sleeping woman before her. She was now struggling against something that only she could see and Emma had zero idea what to do next. She was just starting to panic when Regina let out a scream - the most haunted scream that Emma had ever heard - and jolted into wakefulness.

Her eyes were wide with panic and her breath was coming in short inefficient pants. She must have sensed that she wasn’t alone before she completely recognized Emma because she started to hunker back into the chair and curl protectively around herself. But then her eyes settled on Emma, who hadn’t managed to yet move a muscle, and recognition shone there.

“Emma?”

Her voice was throaty and cracked but it was still the most welcome sound Emma could have heard. She grasped Regina’s hands gently in her own and dropped down to a knee next to the reading chair. There was no need to tower over the frightened woman. 

She kept her voice soft and soothing and made sure there wasn’t a hint of the panic she had felt just moments earlier. “I’m right here. Everything’s ok.”

Regina looked down at their hands then glanced about the room. She was clearly trying to get her bearings and working hard to move past her nightmare all at the same time. “I fell asleep.” 

Her voice was still dry and raspy and Emma could see her swallowing against the scratchiness. “Let me get you a drink.” Emma saw Regina tense as she rose so she gave the hands still in hers a reassuring squeeze. “I’ll be right back. Promise.”

After a second Regina nodded and Emma hurried to the kitchen. She was certainly gone less than a minute but by the time she returned all visible signs of Regina’s distress were gone. She was no longer huddled in the chair awkwardly and her breathing had calmed - not to a normal rhythm but something closer. 

Emma walk over with the water and, as she handed it over, she noticed that Regina’s hands were still trembling. A quick look told her that Regina hadn’t yet managed to regain any of her natural color either. Emma suddenly felt foolish for falling into that trap again - or almost falling into it. She should know by this point that Regina could drop on a mask in absolutely no time. 

She wasn’t sure quite what to do so she perched on the ottoman that Regina was no longer using and just waited for Regina to take the lead. She spent quite a while sipping her water but eventually brought her eyes up to meet with Emma’s.

When Regina spoke, her voice wasn’t as strained but it was impossibly soft - almost a whisper. “I’m sorry about... that. I don’t sleep very well at times.”

Emma gave her an appraising look and responded a little more honestly than she really intended. She’d been cataloguing a lot of new information about Regina this afternoon but she was going to have to start getting some answers from the woman at some point. “Do you ever sleep well? Because it doesn't look like it from here.” 

Regina didn’t respond and that was answer enough for Emma. Instead she started to rise from her reading chair. Emma grabbed her elbow in support, not even caring that Regina probably wouldn’t want her to. The woman was the color of wallpaper paste.

She didn’t pull away, which Emma found surprising, but she did clear her throat uncomfortably. “If you don’t mind waiting a bit longer for diner, I would like to go take a shower.”  
There wasn’t really a question in there anywhere - Regina certainly wasn’t asking her permission - but Emma knew immediately that her face showed what a horrible idea she thought that was. She wasn’t even comfortable letting Regina stand on her own yet; how did this infuriatingly independant woman expect her to let her wander upstair by herself?

Regina’s brow creased dramatically in response to Emma’s denial and Emma quickly pulled her hand away. She’s been directing Regina quite a bit over the last few hours and she could tell that Regina was starting to get uncomfortable with it. Actually, she seemed pissed. If Emma was a betting woman she would wager any amount of money that Regina’s sudden discomfort had something to do with her recent nightmare.

The last thing she wanted to do was alienate Regina so she tilted her head apologetically to the side. Emma knew she had a puppy dog look and she used it now. It wasn’t disingenuous - she really did feel bad that she’d upset her. “Sorry. I just… that was kinda scary for me. I was worried. But I can totally wait for dinner. Go do what you gotta do.”

Regina acknowledged her apology by turning around smartly and heading towards the stairs. Before she left the foyer however she hesitated. Without turning, she address Emma and there was no anger in her voice. “I’m sorry I frightened you.” Then she was sweeping up the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same as always - Feel free to share your thoughts if you’re so inclined but please recall that I am the furthest thing from a writer there is. This is probably the best I can do.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After all that she's done, Regina can't seem to accept that she could deserve a second chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part was hard to write. Damn.
> 
> Same warning as always... I am not a writer. But I'm trying for the same reason as always - I'm fascinated by Regina. I have to get some of these thoughts out of my head. Filed under SwannQueen because I don't think I could write a male character to save my life. No sexytimes.
> 
> The story is complete!
> 
> Warning: Here is where the talk of non-consensual sex and abuse occurs. It's not graphic but it's there because Regina's life has basically sucked balls. Please give this a pass if that bothers you.

By the time Regina walked back into the kitchen she was feeling almost human again. The shower had helped her wash away much of the filth of her nightmare and the rest she beat away with sheer determination. She was wearing her most comfortable pair of slacks and had draped a heavy shawl around her shoulders. For the moment she actually felt warm. And the delicious smell coming from the kitchen surprised her into realizing she was actually hungry. After waking so horribly from another nightmare she had been certain she would have to force herself to eat just enough to placate Emma.

She spied the blonde at the counter and walked over quickly and, before she had a chance to think better of it, placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. She'd made sure to make enough noise that she wouldn't startle the woman but it was clear Emma wasn't expecting the contact; she stopped in mid salad toss. "I was short with you earlier. I'm sorry for that."

Emma turned slightly and gave her a smile. It was truly radiant and Regina knew immediately that Emma had been worried that she'd done something horribly wrong. "Don't worry about it. I've been pretty much in your business all evening but that really wasn't my place. So I'm sorry too."

Emma nodded towards the table that held place settings for two and enough steaming lasagna to feed an army. It appeared she didn't want to dwell on either of their transgressions. "Are you ready for dinner. Because I am officially starving." She'd headed to the table as she was talking and Regina followed behind like a puppy, even though she was in her own home. Now that the nightmare had faded for her slightly, so had her need to control the situation.

Emma immediately picked up the never ending stream of banter that she had whipped out during lunch at the diner and Regina smiled indulgently at her. The fact that she knew what the blonde was up to didn't stop her from relaxing all the same. Emma's company was magic and Regina truly regretted that she was going to have to put an end to this before the evening was done. Regina was done taking things that she didn't deserve.

She ate as much as she could because she knew it was important to Emma but she still finished well before the blonde and it wasn't long before Emma was eying her over every forkful. Regina was truly impressed with how long Emma managed to hold her tongue but knew it wouldn't last forever.  
It did not. Emma placed her fork down and motioned towards Regina's plate. "Are you done? You didn't eat much…" She sounded hesitant and Regina felt another pang of regret over her actions in the living room earlier. Emma was clearly worried that she would anger her again.

Regina gave her a slightly mischievous smile so she would know that her next words were to be taken lightly. "You mean I didn't eat much for you. For me I just ate about three meals. And then some." She accepted Emma return smile and then gave her the answer she knew she was looking for. "I assure you, I've eaten well more than I have been lately. I couldn't possibly consume another bite."

Emma seemed pleased and Regina expected her to finish up the absurd quantity of lasagna left on her plate. Insead she began to fidget with her fork. She took a quick drink to change things up then began to fiddle with her napkin. Regina watched her for a moment and then decided to take pity on the nervous woman. Clearly it was time to get started.  
"So," Regina began. She leaned back in her chair and placed her laced hands on the table in front of her. "I believe you wanted to talk."

Emma looked grateful and thoughtful and scared stiff all at the same time. It was kind of adorable but Regina still felt bad for her. She was clearly uncomfortable with her self-appointed task. Still, she was going to have to start somewhere. "Dear, there's no good way to do this. Why don't you just jump right in."

Emma stared at her appraisingly for a moment and then did just that. "Are you sick?"

Regina smiled slightly as she shook her head no and Emma's face flooded with relief immediately. Regina wondered briefly if Emma had thought she was dying.

The second question seemed to come easier; Emma's voice sounded much more confident when she continued. But she was still sticking with the easy questions. "Does… Do you have lots of days like today?"

Regina pursed her lips and reminded herself that she had decided to be completely honest. Painfully honest - no more cryptic answers or half truths. That was the only way to get Emma to understand why she couldn't keep this up - why she was a lost cause and why that was ok in the grand scheme of things. Despite her discomfort Regina replied directly and was pleased when her voice came out strong and almost nonchalant. "Yes, unfortunately. Though today was worse than most. Your timing is impeccable as always."

It didn't appear that Emma liked that answer much and the relief that had been showing in her face since learning that Regina didn't have a foot in the grave dropped away. Now her increased confidence was fueled by renewed concern and it was pretty clear that they had completely passed the point of no return. But that was ok because Regina was committed to ending this tonight, no matter what, and really just wanted to get through this fresh hell as quickly as possible. Emma seemed happy to oblige as the questions were now just tumbling out of her. "What about nightmares. Do you have those a lot?"

"Every time I go to sleep, yes."

Confusion clouded Emma features and it was obvious something wasn't adding up for the blonde. "How does Henry not know?"

Regina didn't answer; She just held up her fingers and let a little magic show at the tips. Emma's confusion didn't appear to lift so after a moment, she was forced to clarify. "Magical soundproofing dear."

"Shit, of course. Right." How Emma managed to constantly forget that she lived in a world of magic astounded Regina constantly. She took the answer in stride though and moved right along; It was pretty clear that she realized Regina was being more open than normal and she didn't want to lose this opportunity.

"Can you tell me what they're about?" Emma looked embarrassed and tried to clarify her position almost immediately. "I mean, you don't have to answer that one. It's just… lots of people say it helps them. You know, to talk about it."

Regina had accepted that this was unavoidable while she'd gathered herself together upstairs. However, she was pretty sure that these next moments were going to fundamentally alter the way Emma looked at her for the rest of their days. It didn't surprise her in the least that the words were difficult to say. "I grew up with Cora, I trained with Rumple, and I married Leopold. Between the three of them there is not a part of my soul they didn't shred. That is what I dream about."

Emma paled and Regina continued to feel for her, but she had wanted this conversation. And she was picking the questions. "Snow's dad Leopold? Did he…" Emma couldn't finish and Regina was glad.

"There are very few ways to end that sentence where I would answer 'No.'" Regina felt her breath start to get thready and knew that she was as far down this particular rabbit hole as she could go, no matter how committed she was to this process. She pulled in a steadying breath and held Emma's eye. "We need to switch topics please."

It was clear from Emma's face that she was starting to regret this and Regina couldn't help but take comfort in the fact that it was hard for the other woman too. "What about your mom?"

"My mother was a cruel woman who could break me and heal me at will. So she did. Clearly she learned it from Rumple because he employed the same teaching technique." Regina shrugged her shoulders and unfolded her hands. "It's an effective technique, I must admit. I am a truly powerful sorceress. Though the side effects are a bit limiting."

Emma gave her a puzzled look. Apparently she was trying to figure out if Regina was trying to bring levity to this horrible conversation. Regina herself wasn't even sure.

The puzzled look gave way to one of displeasure. "Regina, you were abused." Emma practically spit the word out. "That's not alright."

And there it was. It was time to bring her relationship with Emma to an end. Regina pressed towards Emma until she was leaning slightly over the table. "No, it isn't alright. It was a horrible and unforgivable abuse of power." Regina drew in a breath to give herself strength. "As were my actions - horrible and unforgivable. Every single one of them. I am as much a villain as they are."

Emma flinched as though she'd been slapped and Regina took no pleasure in knowing that her words had so effectively driven her point home. Now, finally, Emma would understand. Regina watched as the blonde processed her words and just waited for it be over.

It didn't take Emma long to get there and her frown deepened when she arrived. "You don't think you deserve forgiveness." It wasn't a question, so Regina didn't offer an answer. She just sat as calmly as she could and waited. "Or friendship. You can't even allow yourself that?"

Emma was a stubborn one. Regina realized that she was going to have to lead her all the way. The thought was exhausting but she's made it this far and there was absolutely no stopping now.

"I deserve none of those things. The fact that I continue to exist is a perversion of justice."

Emma's brow furrowed dangerously and a flush rose on her skin with a suddenness that shocked Regina. "That's bullshit!" The words exploded from Emma and Regina couldn't stop herself from shrinking back. She felt the crushing weight of Emma's anger and a rush of adrenaline coursed through her almost immediately. She pressed back against her chair and felt it shift back slightly from the table. She knew Emma wouldn't harm her but it wasn't a response she could control.

It wasn't a response she could hide either and she knew the moment Emma registered it. She watch her deflate and her features went from cross to ashamed in the blink of an eye. And surprisingly that was all it took. The rush of adrenaline stopped abruptly and she felt faint and nauseous with the loss of it. She cast her eyes down to the table and gripped it's edges painfully while forcing herself to take steadying breath after steady breath.

She heard the scrape of Emma's chair but didn't look. The possibility that she would be ill was quite real and she focused only on her breathing. Then Emma was behind her and rubbing comforting circles across her back and Regina focused on that instead.

It took a while before she was confident enough to raise her head and deepen her breaths but Emma stood with her through it. Eventually the motion on her back slowed, and then stopped, and Emma spoke softly from behind her. "You ok?"

Regina didn't want to hear the waver that she knew would be in her voice so she just nodded.

Emma studied her for a second, then pulled a chair over and angled it so she was almost facing Regina and when Emma took her hands in her own Regina didn't resist. But she couldn't meet her eyes either. "You can't say things like that."

Regina closed her eyes against the tears. "I know it's upsetting to hear but it is the truth." As she'd known it would, her voice wavered terribly. But at this point it hardly seemed to matter.

Emma had learned her lesson well and there was no hint of anger in her voice. "It's not. The only way this ever stops is if people change and people forgive. Your mother wasn't strong enough and Rumple wasn't good enough. But you are. I see you with Henry and I know who you really are, even if you can't remember. And I can help you. But not if you've given up."

Regina shook her head back and forth forcefully. "I'm not strong enough. I never have been. I already failed."

"That's not true. You've always been strong enough, you've just always been alone. You aren't alone now. We can do this."

Regina shuddered despite herself. How did Emma do that? Get inside her completely? She wanted it so badly she could taste it. All she'd ever wanted was to not be alone. But that wasn't the point, she reminded herself forcefully. She'd given up her claim the moment she allowed the Evil Queen to exist. "No. You can't do that. I don't deserve…"

Emma didn't even let her finish. "It's not about what you deserve Regina, it's about what you need. I'm the friend you need. But you have to accept me. I can't do it for you, only with you… please accept my help."

This was the moment. Regina could feel her world about to shift in one way or another. She briefly wondered how many other moments like this she'd had in her lifetime. It was hard to count them but she knew there had to have been many. And consistently she had made the wrong choice.

She didn't want to do that again and when she'd come down those stairs she was absolutely certain that she knew what she had to do this time. But Emma… she was so convincing. Regina looked at her now, for the first time in a while. The pull was too much. She wanted it too badly and was too exhausted to fight. "I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do."

Emma smiled at her and it was full of hope. Regina felt the pressure on her chest, her constant companion for so long, lessen unexpectedly. "Nothing. You just did it."

\-------------

They were sitting on the couch in silence and lit only by the fire. Emma sipped at her glass of whiskey judiciously and stole sideways glances at her companion every so often. Regina had come in with a glass of wine but had set it on the end table almost immediately and forgotten about it completely. Emma couldn't tell if she was sad, scared, or just completely exhausted. All seemed equally likely.

Emma hazarded a longer look to the right and took in some more detail. When she saw Regina's glossed over eyes snap back into focus and then begin to gloss back over almost immediately she knew it was exhaustion that she was battling right now.

Emma placed a hand gently on Regina's arm and watched as her eyes cleared and focused very slowly. Not good. "Regina. You need to get some rest."

"We haven't moved in over an hour. I am resting." Her voice was dull and Emma felt her idling worry kick up a gear. How long had this been going on? How long could Regina last? "Sleep Regina. You need sleep."

"That is probably true but since I'm not capable of getting any, this will have to do."

Emma squinted at her in displeasure. "Sure you can." Emma tugged the coffee table over with the toe of her shoe and then slid it a bit more towards Regina. "Throw your legs up there, close your eyes and you'll be out in a second." You're practically out now, her brain supplied unhelpfully.

"You are correct. I have little problems falling asleep at this point. But it's quite unpleasant and never lasts for very long." Regina shook her head sadly at the words.

"Look, that was when you were doing this by yourself. I know this arrangement is only, like, an hour old but I can help you." The solution was entirely clear to Emma and Regina's confusion was pretty baffling. Regina didn't make a move so Emma tried to clarify. "I'll wake you up. Scout's honor."

"Emma," Regina's voice took on a different timber and Emma knew this would forever after be the voice Regina used when she thought Emma had gone mad. "That is not a sustainable solution. You have an entire life outside of," Regina waved her hands about in a thoroughly vague manner. "...this." It was clear that she was having a trouble defining what 'this' was.

It was hard but Emma managed not to roll her eyes. "I'm not talking long term here. I'm talking about right now. Tonight. I said we would do this together and I meant it, but you're so exhausted you can barely function. So it's basically just me. How much sleep are you even getting."

Regina began to answer and Emma cut her off ruthlessly. "Not rest. Sleep."

Regina's non-answer was again an answer and Emma pushed ahead. "Right. That's not gonna work. We've got some damage control to take care of here. When you're coherent we'll find something sustainable."

Emma glared at her, not unkindly, and dared Regina to contradict her. Her face was slack and gauging her reaction was just about impossible. "The nightmares are…" Regina clearly didn't have the words. "I don't know if I can just give myself over to that."

It would have been a more effective rebuttal if her eyes weren't sliding shut while she said it. Emma tugged ever so gently on the shawl still wrapped around Regina's shoulders and the brunette slid down slowly until she was resting gently against Emma's shoulder. Emma wouldn't have believed it if she hadn't seen it with her own eyes, but Regina was completely asleep.

Emma polished off the rest of her drink in one final swallow and then placed her glass on the endtable. Then she settled in for a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same as always - Feel free to share your thoughts if you’re so inclined but please recall that I am the furthest thing from a writer there is. This is probably the best I can do.


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After all that she’s done, Regina can’t seem to accept that she could deserve a second chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last Bit!
> 
> Same warning as always... I am not a writer. But I'm trying for the same reason as always - I'm fascinated by Regina. I have to get some of these thoughts out of my head. Filed under SwannQueen because I don't think I could write a male character to save my life. No sexytimes.
> 
> The story is complete!
> 
> Warning: There is talk of non-consensual sex and abuse. It's not graphic but it's there because Regina's life has basically sucked balls. Please give this a pass if that bothers you.

Regina blinked herself awake fuzzily and had the presence of mind only to wonder where the hell she was. She'd just narrowed it down to not-her-bedroom when the evening started to return to her in disconnected broken bits.

She remembered Emma waking her. More than once? She focused on the memories and realized hazily that it had been quite a few times. She tried to pull the memories together into some sort of cohesive narrative but she was too drunk on sleep to pull it off.

Emma. Where was she? Regina thought that she had been next to her on the sofa but now she was stretched out and taking up almost the entire length herself. Her head rested heavily on a throw pillow instead of Emma's shoulder and a heavy blanket over her kept out the chill.

It was pleasant, actually, and she was starting to sink back into a doze when the most insecure part of her woke up and insisted that she had to find Emma. So, with heavy and uncoordinated limbs she pushed herself up and then swung herself into a sitting position. She tried to actually, but all she really managed to do was crash her legs painfully into the coffee table.

The sound was deafening in the previously still room and even as fuzzy as she was she saw Emma spring from the reading chair across the room. It was clear she'd been practicing the move for most of the night because Emma was at her side before the pain in Regina's shins even had a chance to bloom.

"Jesus Regina! What the hell happened? Are you ok?" There was an edge of panic to her voice and it cut through any remaining haze that still clung to Regina. Quite effectively.

Emma had her hands on Regina's shoulders and was gripping them almost painfully so Regina placed her hand over one of the blonde's and gave it a gentle reassuring squeeze. "Emma. Please calm down. It's ok… I just kicked the coffee table."

The blonde stared at her blankly for a moment the dropped heavily to the sofa next to her. "Kicked the coffee table. Right." Emma licked her lips then blew out a cleansing breath and started to look her over.

Her eyes stopped at her legs where a trail of blood had just begun to trickle down past the cuff of Regina's slacks. Emma hissed slightly at the sight and then motioned towards it so Regina would look.

Instantly, the entire situation seemed blatantly absurd and Regina couldn't hold back a slightly hysterical sounding chuckle. "Oh for the love of… enough."

She waved her hand imperiously towards her leg and the blood stain immediately disappeared, along with the pain. Emma was giving her a look that was both amused and concerned all at the same time and Regina didn't blame her in the least.

She just raised her eyebrow and knew from the expression on Emma's face that she looked more like herself than she had in quite some time. "Seriously Emma. I did not need another challenge."

Emma held up her hands in the universal sign of surrender that spanned all the realms and nodded vigorously. "I totally agree. Well done Your Majesty."

"Thank You." Her voice was all Queen but she consciously gentled it and repeated the same phrase, but with completely different meaning. "Thank you Emma."

Emma suddenly, and quite uncharacteristically, appeared shy. Her eyes dropped away and Regina had to gently lift Emma's chin back up to reestablish their eye contact. For reasons she couldn't quantify, it was suddenly very important to her that the blonde see her.

Still looking slightly uncomfortable, Emma shrugged. "It was nothing."

"No, you're wrong. It was everything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy Hell you guys. It’s done. It almost killed me but it’s done.  
> Same as always - Feel free to share your thoughts if you’re so inclined but please recall that I am the furthest thing from a writer there is. This is probably the best I can do.

**Author's Note:**

> That’s it for this part. Feel free to share your thoughts if you’re so inclined but please recall that I am the furthest thing from a writer there is. This is probably the best I can do.
> 
> UPDATE: I completely accidentally started a sequel. I'll post it soon.


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